CATHARSIS

The first season of Transformers has culminated in the crowning of a Champion. The best of the best. Any and all doubts have been washed away and replaced with pride atop a pedestal of authority. Unfortunately, that honor is not mine. I fell incredibly short of the high standard that I was holding for myself at the Energon Invitational. It is all too easy to let self-loathing and regret overcome oneself after working so hard for something and coming up incredibly short. I’m not going to try and tell you that I didn’t throw myself a well-deserved pity party, because I did. I tried to find fault anywhere and everywhere else except where it resides: within.  This season I have experienced the largest amount of regret due to my own nature being the ever-volatile catalyst that people have either grown to embrace or abhor about me. Regardless of which side of the proverbial fence you may find yourself, please let my shortcomings provide some insight into the character that I have come to embody over the years.

               I am a former member of the competitive Juggernaught that is VectorSigma. Gencon was not kind to the infrastructure of the team. Personalities and opinions clashed. As many of you may know, I thrive on conflict. I have built my entire personality to capitalize on perseverance despite conflict. Spoiler alert: This is NOT the first time that my personality has cost me something that I loved. Like the phoenix, we must rise from the ashes. Beaten, bloodied and burned (this may be slightly overexaggerated) I was forced to start my ascent once again for the greatness that I had strived for. I’m also a collateral damage kind of guy. Those aligned with me know this all too well. A good friend of mine often compares me to Godzilla in my approach to all things involving social media. There is always going to be a path of rubble trailing me on my crusade to make my point heard. Shortly after Gencon, I parted ways from the team that I had helped create.

               I am what I would consider a creative, yet spiteful, gentleman. Later launching this very site not as a competing hub, but one where I could share my insights, my way. If you are unaware, it’s a hell of a lot of work. Stubbornness is also one hell of a motivator. I strive to share advice and insight in a blunt and callous manor. Some appreciate it, but most do not. I respectfully acknowledge that I am not able to reach everyone and that is perfectly fine. I try to be brutally honest and transparent in all facets of my life. Once again, this has backfired a time or two as well. What I have learned is how to embrace my regrets through reflection.

               I have held Dan Arnold in the highest regard since we did YouTube videos and podcasts (Not Podcats) together. I have said he was the best Transformers player since Origins despite his record being a meager second place (first Loser!). He has always elevated my game whenever we were together. Whether it was discussing a sideboard choice at 5 in the morning the day of an event, or just sitting down across from him filming games. He is now indisputably the BEST in the world for our small community and its incredibly difficult to argue otherwise. The preparation for the Invitational was incredibly difficult because I knew that I did not have the best non orange decks to test against. It was soul crushing to know that I was testing against an inferior deck but could not pinpoint where the fault(s) lied.  You can also learn so much just from playing with the best. I miss my teammate. But more importantly, I missed my friend. However, I alone made the decisions that lead to this point so I could only be upset with myself. I can already acknowledge that I made my million-dollar mistake in August of 2019, but stubbornness and my ego refuse to rectify the situation. I will forever have to live with that knowledge because I would rather be “right.”

               What else went wrong? Speaking about ego…

               I made the wrong decision on what deck to play. I had been working on a version of cars since the release of Siege II that was quite unconventional and incredibly strong against what I expected the field to be. The weekend before, my teammate and I had found a deck that was just dominating everything that was sitting across from it. However, being the Egomaniac that I am sometimes known to be, I went with the deck that I had put the most work into. One of us made the Top 8 out of 160 players, the other is me…

               Not everything has been negative. My good friend Adam Bixler has joined me in our quest to assert cardboard dominance and he is an excellent teammate! His willingness to explore new lineups and try out “bad” cards have opened my eyes immensely this past month. The initial suggestion to play War of Attrition in Shockwave was a met with a mere scoff…but it has become a mainstay in pretty much each blue based deck we have built since then. Not only does he openly and aggressively challenge me, he is correct about many things and has been able to feed me a slice or two of humble pie on multiple occasions. He is the exact person that I want to work alongside for the rest of this game’s lifecycle. He is bright and adapts quicker than any other player I have seen. I am extremely privileged to call him my teammate.

               I have become accustomed to building on my mistakes and shortcomings and this season has been no different:

• Mistakes were made.
• Lessons have been learned.
• New alliances have been forged.

What I am 100% confident in is my wiliness to grow as a player (even as a person if I must). The next coming months will be big for Dark Confidence! But I cannot forget the lessons of the past few months. Tough love is the best love even if you are beaten close to death. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger? I think that manta is cliché. However, that doesn’t make it any less accurate. I will charge ahead into the impending fray with new allies while being ever mindful of my past tribulations. Self-reflection is one of the hardest things to do, and I fear that this will not be my last foray into such a discussion. But for now, I am tired and worn out. Drained and disappointed in myself, I am still optimistic for the future. From the darkest of places comes the strongest fortitudes. The deepest, darkest confidence is the one that will last indefinitely.